I totally just zonked out last night. So I will try to continue to put some more of our stuff up today. Not entirely sure if I will get to it. Right now doing laundry and it is so nice out side!
Anyway, I guess I wanted to say that I never let myself draw or paint or any of that stuff until a few years ago with that colored pencil drawing. I did doodle a lot in class but that was about it. I always wished I could draw but I got so frustrated everytime I would try. I guess trying is kind of a big no, no. Feel like Yoda for a minute saying this but, don’t try just do! Get a bunch of mediums and just let whatever happens, happen. Don’t expect something totally amazing. The totally amazing happens when you just let go.
If you didn’t already know this story then here: I never let myself do art (I did crafts) because I was always afraid that my mom would analyze my work and realize that there was something really wrong with me. Being in child psychology she knew how art could be an outlet for kids who don’t want to talk about things. She had this book, it was my favorite book (I went looking for it the other day because I thought I asked her to keep it. I guess not 
) it was on art therapy. The book was filled with childrens drawings and the different ways kids drew out their feelings and concerns. For example on thing you might notice about some of my people drawings is that I often don’t draw faces. I learned at a really young age from that book that, that wasn’t ok. That, that would be a tip off to someone. Now of course I realize there could be a million and one reasons for why I do that. I now draw a lot of dark stuff, on fathers day I finally got out one of those really dark paintings. It felt really uncomfortable and wrong. I’m still struggling with it because it’s the kind of thing I wanted to draw when I was a little kid. Hopefully I’ll get that one up soon but, it would have sent of huge alarms in any parent.
I totally cut myself off from the parts of me that wanted to draw, that needed to draw and do other art work. It was all kept ‘underground’ and now I’m slowly trying to learn. So, it’s like I draw but I don’t draw. I look at some of the stuff and think it’s just not mine. It’s just a really strange thing. Sometimes I tell people that know about being plural that I draw like a little kid and the little kid parts of me draw like grown ups. They don’t care about what other people think too much, they don’t care if it’s perfect or that it’s not a master piece. That scene in the original Sybil where her mother scolds her for drawing a green chicken with purple feet, I relate to that so much. Just don’t do it, it’s bad. Little kids don’t care though that it’s not ‘right’. I just walled off so that somewhere I kept that “I don’t care” creativity while the rest of me got censored.
I’m getting distracted so, off I go.
