Walls and Gates

Blocked words – Colored Pencil

Slamming the gates – Pen

I did these two drawings on the same day. I can’t remember what was going on, I think maybe it was around the time my dad was coming out to see me at school.  I remember that period of time being really frantic to pack up anything that might be lying about on DID, PTSD or me. This kind of picture comes into my head a lot though when I feel like I want to talk to someone about me and my history.  This two came out pretty quickly though, for some reason when they popped into my head I thought they would take a while to do.

Conversations

Phone conversation with mom - pen

The story behind that question is that the little sister of a friend of mine passed on a certain annoying bug that get’s passed between little kids.  Yes, so much fun …almost the entire class got head lice from that girl! The stuff you use to get rid of it has a warning lable on it saying not to get it in your eye or it could cause blindness. Well, I played the “what if” game even as a kid. I was pretty convinced that it would get in my eyes and I’d go blind.  I had it in my head that I was just a magnet for bad things. I don’t even know what I meant by that back then so, it’s one of those things that throws up some red flags for me. Growing up I had a lot of nightmares surrounding this question of “why me?”. I don’t remember why my mom brought it up in this recent conversation with her but it did.  I replied back to her that I still thought that way.  I tried to explain that I didn’t feel that was entirely a negative thing (after she said I needed to change that thought).  Like I was writing the other day in Becoming Hypervigilant in some ways it’s kept me safe. In some ways it’s let me do things I might not do.  Sounds weird maybe but I think that I tend to prepare more and I am often surprised by life since, because of this I often doen’t have a lot of expectations for things.  I don’t know if that makes sense to other people, though.  I tell people I’m a pessamistic optimist, I think the worst knowing the best will happen.  I know when I was little though it wasn’t like that, I truely thought only the worst would ever happen.

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Random

Random Soft Chalk Pastel

Really not sure what this is about, it was just kind of something random. The dark dots are actually purple not dark blue.

Dreamt I was an Angel

I dreamt I was an angel - Soft Chalk Pastel

Medication is kicking in pretty hard but wanted to post one more for now. This is another one inspired by a song, “In to the Wild Blue Yonder”. It was done sometime after the last one I just posted and was still trying to work through all of that.

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Midnight Flowers

Tulips in moonlight - Soft Pastel

This one came from listening to a song by David Gray, called “Shine”. There were two images in my head and this was one of them. It’s just based on a feeling about my home where I grew up. I was away at school when I did this. I was sort of reminising about the summer and how I would take my two ferrets out at night since it was cooler. I remembered how the tulips in my mom’s garden just always looked like they were glowing because of the moonlight. I think there is something more to this but, I’m not sure how to explain.

Trapped in My Reflection

I don’t remember at what point in my sessions this was done. It has to do with the repeated abuse I went through at age 18. This is really more about the first time it happened. I can now remember there were three of us at various levels of consciousness. One part of me totally took over and kept the rest of us “safe”, she reframed everything, put on a front for us. Another part of me was trapped somewhere in the glass, pounding on the window wondering why this all was being allowed to happen. I was trapped on the other side partly “asleep”, partly trying to believe it was going to be ok, and partly just wanting/hoping to forget. I hear that other part of me these days, and I try not to ignore her. I try to figure out how to help.

A Part Remembering - Soft Pastel

Unleashed Screams

This drawing is of two people screaming. One of the drawings is probably more vivid than the other.

These two drawings were done shortly after the colored pencil drawings. I believe at that point I had started to admit that what I had gone through was much more than I was originally letting myself admit. I remember I felt like I was holding back all the screams. This was an interesting experience because I was an observer to these two drawings. These two drawings were done at exactly the same moment, going back and forth between the pieces of paper. I remember sitting there watching as these images flowed out of my hands. At this point I was still not admitting to what I had always known deep down, and that was I wasn’t alone in this body.

Red and Black Scream

Scream – Soft Pastel

Survivors Journey

Nature Scene in Colored Pencil

I did this drawing back around the end of ‘06 maybe.  It was the first time I just kind of let go and let whatever happen, happen. I knew I couldn’t draw so I wasn’t expecting much. There was just this image in my head. I saw this scary looking forest with trees that looked like they might reach out and grab you, or at least try to trap you in some way. There was a lake or a pond, which I saw as some place peaceful. A place of reflection, self-reflection. Then off a little ways there was this brilliantly colored tree that was just kind of bursting with life. I felt like I was caught some where between the forest and the pond. I want so badly to get to that tree. I want to be that tree. It sounds cheesey maybe but, that was how I was feeling.