Cut Short - Unfinished Pencil
This image came from thinking about how I felt about my mom, feeling like my growing was cut in someway. I think it’s just feeling like I’m not at all supported. Originally the axe was supposed to be sort of flying through and chopping the tree, and I think there was supposed to be a small sprout coming out of the stump. It’s not quite done, still being fiddled with.
Late night painting
Late night painting
These two were just random late night paintings. Just kind of did them with no real point in mind except to see what happened when I put a brush to paper. The only thing in mind was feelings of an inner part, hoping that maybe painting would help. The first one was about feelings of self-harm. It’s kind of funny because there was a drawing from earlier in the year that was done in the same colors, all colors that I don’t like which was on purpose. This time they were picked at random. The red is the anger, rage, the yellow had something to do with spirits or something spiritual, I forget what the green was, I think the brown was about darkness. I want to say the green was something about grounding and perhaps the brown too.
The second painting was even more random. I think I was just about ready to go to bed when that one happened. Don’t remember much about it except it was something about feelings toward my mom. I remember listening to the sound of the brush making the red streaks that look like flowers and hearing something say it sounded like whispering. There was something about the whispering sound being all the secrets kept being put down on the paper. The red again being the anger about those secrets. I think the green and yellow represent the same things in this painting as the first.
I did these two drawings on the same day. I can’t remember what was going on, I think maybe it was around the time my dad was coming out to see me at school. I remember that period of time being really frantic to pack up anything that might be lying about on DID, PTSD or me. This kind of picture comes into my head a lot though when I feel like I want to talk to someone about me and my history. This two came out pretty quickly though, for some reason when they popped into my head I thought they would take a while to do.
Phone conversation with mom - pen
The story behind that question is that the little sister of a friend of mine passed on a certain annoying bug that get’s passed between little kids. Yes, so much fun …almost the entire class got head lice from that girl! The stuff you use to get rid of it has a warning lable on it saying not to get it in your eye or it could cause blindness. Well, I played the “what if” game even as a kid. I was pretty convinced that it would get in my eyes and I’d go blind. I had it in my head that I was just a magnet for bad things. I don’t even know what I meant by that back then so, it’s one of those things that throws up some red flags for me. Growing up I had a lot of nightmares surrounding this question of “why me?”. I don’t remember why my mom brought it up in this recent conversation with her but it did. I replied back to her that I still thought that way. I tried to explain that I didn’t feel that was entirely a negative thing (after she said I needed to change that thought). Like I was writing the other day in Becoming Hypervigilant in some ways it’s kept me safe. In some ways it’s let me do things I might not do. Sounds weird maybe but I think that I tend to prepare more and I am often surprised by life since, because of this I often doen’t have a lot of expectations for things. I don’t know if that makes sense to other people, though. I tell people I’m a pessamistic optimist, I think the worst knowing the best will happen. I know when I was little though it wasn’t like that, I truely thought only the worst would ever happen.
Agg I got distracted and forgot I was gonna work on this so, here goes:
How I feel about home - Pen
I’m not putting these in any order, the pastel drawings were pretty much in order from the first to the last. I’m just gonna throw these up here as I get them watermarked and what not.
So …some of us feel more comfortable with straight up stick people (You might be able to see that some of the pastel drawings start as stick people but get filled/fleshed in. Some of us aren’t that patient or good lol! We are slowly learning how to build on shapes like the others were taught in old art classes.) I’ll put up some of my crap attempts later lol! More faceless people too, faces on our stick figures never feel right either.
This one I did when I came home on a break from school. I just felt like I was going to be suffocated, smushed, etc, by everything here. My mom, my dad, my brother, just being afraid of this city in general, everything. I felt like I was trapped here for that short time with no escape. In the top left corner of the press it’s labled home.
