Representing an insider

Picture representing inner person - Soft Pastel

This one was done by some of the other inside folks for the 12 year old part. It is sort of representing her by using her favorite colors in a pattern they thought she’d like. This part of me holds really strong feelings about pictures so, kind of wondering if that’s why there’s only this representation of her.  I mean we know what she looks like but … just no drawing. I guess there aren’t drawings of a lot of them but maybe one day. I’m just not sure if this part will ever be ok with having one of herself. That’s ok, I like this representation.

The inside folks

Quick drawing of insider -Sof chalk Pastel

Co-conscious – Hard Crayon type Pastel

Inside Part – Soft chalk pastel on construction paper

Inside Part – Soft Chalk Pastel

Inside Part – Soft Chalk Pastel

These are some of the inside folks. I have another one of the child part but I need to get it sized and stuff first I guess I didn’t do that one yet. It’s strange how now that I let myself learn about other multiples, I find we have a lot of parts in common. They are still often very very different but often find we have drawn them somewhat similarly and they might have the same or similar names. It’s just really weird it’s like twins seperated at birth or something lol.

They just kind of got drawn as they got comfortable and as others felt comfortable drawing them.

Random

Random Soft Chalk Pastel

Really not sure what this is about, it was just kind of something random. The dark dots are actually purple not dark blue.

Dreamt I was an Angel

I dreamt I was an angel - Soft Chalk Pastel

Medication is kicking in pretty hard but wanted to post one more for now. This is another one inspired by a song, “In to the Wild Blue Yonder”. It was done sometime after the last one I just posted and was still trying to work through all of that.

Protected: That Night – The password is Trigger, for 2 reasons.

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More Coming…Today?

I totally just zonked out last night. So I will try to continue to put some more of our stuff up today. Not entirely sure if I will get to it. Right now doing laundry and it is so nice out side!

Anyway, I guess I wanted to say that I never let myself draw or paint or any of that stuff until a few years ago with that colored pencil drawing. I did doodle a lot in class but that was about it. I always wished I could draw but I got so frustrated everytime I would try. I guess trying is kind of a big no, no. Feel like Yoda for a minute saying this but, don’t try just do! Get a bunch of mediums and just let whatever happens, happen. Don’t expect something totally amazing. The totally amazing happens when you just let go.

If you didn’t already know this story then here:  I never let myself do art (I did crafts) because I was always afraid that my mom would analyze my work and realize that there was something really wrong with me. Being in child psychology she knew how art could be an outlet for kids who don’t want to talk about things. She had this book, it was my favorite book (I went looking for it the other day because I thought I asked her to keep it. I guess not ) it was on art therapy. The book was filled with childrens drawings and the different ways kids drew out their feelings and concerns. For example on thing you might notice about some of my people drawings is that I often don’t draw faces. I learned at a really young age from that book that, that wasn’t ok. That, that would be a tip off to someone. Now of course I realize there could be a million and one reasons for why I do that. I now draw a lot of dark stuff, on fathers day I finally got out one of those really dark paintings. It felt really uncomfortable and wrong. I’m still struggling with it because it’s the kind of thing I wanted to draw when I was a little kid. Hopefully I’ll get that one up soon but, it would have sent of huge alarms in any parent.

I totally cut myself off from the parts of me that wanted to draw, that needed to draw and do other art work. It was all kept ‘underground’ and now I’m slowly trying to learn. So, it’s like I draw but I don’t draw. I look at some of the stuff and think it’s just not mine.  It’s just a really strange thing. Sometimes I tell people that know about being plural that I draw like a little kid and the little kid parts of me draw like grown ups. They don’t care about what other people think too much, they don’t care if it’s perfect or that it’s not a master piece. That scene in the original Sybil where her mother scolds her for drawing a green chicken with purple feet, I relate to that so much. Just don’t do it, it’s bad. Little kids don’t care though that it’s not ‘right’. I just walled off so that somewhere I kept that “I don’t care” creativity while the rest of me got censored.

I’m getting distracted so, off I go.

Shadow People

This is something that has come up again for me recently. My mom one day asked me about something that happened way back in high school. I couldn’t remember anything though my brain just did a complete skip (you know when you stick a CD into your computer and you can hear it trying to read it but nothings happening? You just kind of sit there going “come on, come on, come on!”). I just got the tiniest flash of something and this was it. It looks scary and I’m not entirely sure if it was or not. My mom had asked me if I had been scared but I couldn’t remember. Maybe not at that moment.

Safe or unsafe memory? - Soft Pastel

Midnight Flowers

Tulips in moonlight - Soft Pastel

This one came from listening to a song by David Gray, called “Shine”. There were two images in my head and this was one of them. It’s just based on a feeling about my home where I grew up. I was away at school when I did this. I was sort of reminising about the summer and how I would take my two ferrets out at night since it was cooler. I remembered how the tulips in my mom’s garden just always looked like they were glowing because of the moonlight. I think there is something more to this but, I’m not sure how to explain.

Trapped in My Reflection

I don’t remember at what point in my sessions this was done. It has to do with the repeated abuse I went through at age 18. This is really more about the first time it happened. I can now remember there were three of us at various levels of consciousness. One part of me totally took over and kept the rest of us “safe”, she reframed everything, put on a front for us. Another part of me was trapped somewhere in the glass, pounding on the window wondering why this all was being allowed to happen. I was trapped on the other side partly “asleep”, partly trying to believe it was going to be ok, and partly just wanting/hoping to forget. I hear that other part of me these days, and I try not to ignore her. I try to figure out how to help.

A Part Remembering - Soft Pastel

Unleashed Screams

This drawing is of two people screaming. One of the drawings is probably more vivid than the other.

These two drawings were done shortly after the colored pencil drawings. I believe at that point I had started to admit that what I had gone through was much more than I was originally letting myself admit. I remember I felt like I was holding back all the screams. This was an interesting experience because I was an observer to these two drawings. These two drawings were done at exactly the same moment, going back and forth between the pieces of paper. I remember sitting there watching as these images flowed out of my hands. At this point I was still not admitting to what I had always known deep down, and that was I wasn’t alone in this body.

Red and Black Scream

Scream – Soft Pastel

Survivors Journey

Nature Scene in Colored Pencil

I did this drawing back around the end of ‘06 maybe.  It was the first time I just kind of let go and let whatever happen, happen. I knew I couldn’t draw so I wasn’t expecting much. There was just this image in my head. I saw this scary looking forest with trees that looked like they might reach out and grab you, or at least try to trap you in some way. There was a lake or a pond, which I saw as some place peaceful. A place of reflection, self-reflection. Then off a little ways there was this brilliantly colored tree that was just kind of bursting with life. I felt like I was caught some where between the forest and the pond. I want so badly to get to that tree. I want to be that tree. It sounds cheesey maybe but, that was how I was feeling.